Tomorrow morning is the "big day" well its almost 1 o'clock in the morning so actually today is the big day. I can't sleep this time. Last time before my mastectomy surgery I actually got some sleep which is surprising, but this time along I feel different. Kinda like I'm not ready, but I know I am. Im ready to get these hard expanders out. Its going to be nice to not wake up in the morning and be sore from the hardness of the expanders. I think I'm a little more nervous this time because the results will be the final product. I just hope I picked the right size (not too big, not too small) and that my skin is not really wrinkly and they look good. Of course I was nervous last time but I knew that how they looked after surgery would not be the final results so it didn't matter so much how they looked. Of course I was nervous last time as well as this time about the normal surgery fears...not waking up...the pain after....feeling nauseated...infections...etc.
Even if the results don't turn out the way I want them too. I know in my heart I will not regret my decision. For the rest of my life I don't have to worry about breast cancer. I know I am only 23 but I know with my history it was the right choice for me. I think another reason I'm a little more sad this time is because I really miss my grandma. She passed away June 24th, 2013.....two months before I got my double mastectomy on Aug. 28th. She knew I was getting the surgery and was 100% supportive. Even towards the end when she was really weak she would still ask me about my appointments and want the dates and info. I remember one time I was sitting in the chair next to her and she said "I wish I could see the results, well maybe I will be." I know she not be there physically but I know for sure she will be there watching down from heaven. I love you with all of my heart Grandma. xoxo
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