Skin Picking (Dermatillomania)

It's weird how something that seems like such a comfort and security blanket can be your worst nightmare. I have skin picked hours every night because in a way it felt like it was always there for me and I was in control...but in reality I was not in control at all....skin picking is not a friend and even tho it might feel amazing at the time (and yes I know how weird that sounds if someone reads this that doesn't have it) but to us it feels good. Then after we are left with the shame and embarrassment and hurt that follows. I started picking my lip when I was around 10 years old and I started picking my face every night for hours when I was 17 until a few months ago. It has been over 6 years that I have damaged and hurt myself hours every night...until recently...I wish I could say there was some epiphany or something I read or heard that finally "clicked" but it wasn't like that. I always knew what I needed to do but in a way deep down I was scared and not ready...I have spent so much time doing this to myself over the past few years and have missed opportunities that I came to the realization that ME and only ME can live the life I want and stop skin picking and putting myself down and even at the time I didn't realize it...that in self was my "epiphany". I still struggle some days but I have gotten to a point where I know what I need to do and the emotions I will feel and even tho I might feel scared, angry, sad, or have anxiety thats OKAY. I have to learn to accept the feelings...the GOOD and the BAD and not hurt myself in the process...I know this disease isn't my fault but I also know and have realize that even tho it seems like I have no control and the urge is too powerful..I need to tell myself I AM IN CONTROL and it might fix things or make me feel better while I'm doing it, but in the long run it makes everything worse! If you are going thru the same thing or have the same awful disease, I want you to know you are NOT ALONE.  We can become in control  and we have to take it day by day and even if we have set backs we need to not GIVE UP..you are not crazy or alone and you can do it.  xoxo

                                                           

                                          A few months ago after a bad episode of picking 

                                                  A month later when my face is healing

After many years...finally feeling like I'm in control and my face is clear :)

Growing Up is Scary and that's OK!

I feel like im either too young or too old...I have all these hopes and dreams and things I want to accomplish, but when the times comes to do them...I dont. A part of me thinks its because i'm scared. I'm scared to work for something I want, saving money to do the things I want to do because maybe then I will officially not be a kid anymore.

Sometimes I feel that if I stay where I am in my life that I can hold on to being a kid a little longer. I'm scared that once I make that plunge and start getting down to business i'll become an adult, but i'm coming to realize that I cant keep doing what im doing and I cant stay where im at at any longer. I'm ready to move forward in my life, go into the next chapter. It seemed so much easier growing up and in High School when I would think of all the things I wanted to do, places to see, dreams I wanted to follow, now the time is here to start actually doing them and Im scared. But what im even more scared of is not doing them and looking back with regret.

I'm realizing that growing up is a scary, amazing, confusing time. You leave your comfort place, your opinions can make a difference, and your actions have consequences. I feel like my whole life I've wanted to be a certain age, but then when I would get to that age I would automatically want to get to the next one lol....turning 10 so I could be double digits, turning 13 so I could be a teenager, turning 16 so I could drive, turning 18 so I could be called "legally" be an adult and buy scratchers lol….turn 20 so i'm no longer in my teens…then the big 21 for obvious reason…now I'm 23 and I find myself wanting to stay here for awhile lol

I'm excited to be in my 20s. There is so many things I want to do and experience and my 20's I feel like is the time to do because I have the least responsibility right now. I'm excited that I'm getting to the age where I can start doing the things that I've always wanted to do...some traveling....working on my modeling and acting....and of course my #1 dream moving to LA.  I cant believe the time is now and I have the power to make my dreams into reality! :)

I remember hearing in my acting class "being scared or nervous is a feeling of being alive" and it's soooo true...being scared/nervous doesn't mean the thing your worried about is bad, its just a feeling and trust me I know how fast feelings can change...one minute I feel like I have everything together and the next I feel like the world is going to end...."feelings" change (the good and the bad)...I need to rememver and keep telling myself its OKAY to feel nervous, scared, and worried, because those feelings could easily change into exictment, a great memory, or a peace of mind.

Remember if you find yourself wishing ahead whether it be a certain age, a certain date, or event, etc. take a step back and tell yourself it will be here sooner then we think...and getting to that place doesn't ensure happiness because most of the time when we get what we have been waiting for...then we are on wishing for the next thing to come (I think we've all been a little guilty of doing that at one time or another)..so remember that true happiness is within and you have the power to feel good about yourself and go after your dreams no matter what age, or time you are at in your life! Take each day and cherish because sometimes the greatest memories are happening when we least expect it!

Here is one of my favorite sayings...

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails.

Explore. Dream. Discover - Mark Twain"

My Tattoos

                                                                   My First Tattoo

                              

                                     
Kinda a weird picture of it (its on my lower back... it was hard to take a good picture of it myself)

April 10th, 2010...was the day I got my first tattoo...I wanted to get one when I turned 18 but I never did. I ended up waiting until I was 20 but I'm glad I waited.  It seemed like I could never decide on the right location, the right design, and the thought of something being on my body for the rest of my life is a little scary to me! But.....I said to myself that I only live once and getting a tattoo is something I've always wanted and pictured myself getting when I was old enough.

I'm glad I waited and didnt rush into it as soon as I turn 18 tho. I took the time to make sure its what I really wanted and I had the time to think of ideas and time to change my mind. I ended up after much thought choosing to get 3 lily's on my lower back with a few stars around the top.

My last name is Italian and in Italy there is a flower called Giglio (which is another way to pronounce my last name) it is basically the same flower that in America we call a Lily, but in Italy it is called Giglio. I wanted to get that because I remember years ago my dad telling me about how our last name was a pretty yellow flower in italy (even tho I got my tattoo pink and vivolet) I had to add my own "twist" to the mix and I'm obessed with pink.  :)

I got the stars on top because stars to me are a sign of dreaming. I'm a huge dreamer, I want to experience so many things in life and I want to look back and say "wow, what a great adventure I went on".

I spent so much time worrying about making sure it looks the way I wanted it too, I didnt really worry or even think much about the pain. When the day came to actually get it, I started to get that butterfly feeling, kinda like I was in the Doctors office (I hate going to the doctors---Anxiety Central lol) The guys name who did it was Jessie. He was really nice and did a great job. I felt confident and comfortable going to him because he did my brother and sister-in-laws tattoos and they turned out great.  When he was doing it I guess the best way to describe the feeling is that it kind of feels like someone was taking tweezers and plucking the small hairs out of my back...it wasnt the best feeling, but it wasnt unbrearable either. I love it and I'm happy I took the plunge and I finally got one!

                                                               My Second Tattoo

My second tattoo I got a few months later. Its on my lower stomach on my left side. I always loved when I would see small tattoos on girls in that spot I thought it was very settle but noticeable at the same time....very petite and girly. When I was younger I wanted to get cherries I feel like that used to be very popular when I was a teenager, but I'm so happy I got the dove. I actually was looking around online and found it and knew that was the tattoo I wanted. I feel like the dove means freedom and going out into the world on my own as I enter adulthood. I love the little heart on the bottom I like to think its keeping my loved ones close to me as I adventure off on my own or that I'm going after the things I love...I kinda wish instead of the little heart I got the pink breast cancer ribbon because my Grandma, Aunt, and Mom have all suffered from breast cancer, but Im thinking about getting a breast cancer ribbon on my ankle or foot in the near future. 

If your thinking about getting one, I think deep down you know if you really want one or not. For me, I knew it was something I wanted to experince and even if it was years from now I wouldnt regret it. I was worried about getting the right deisgn or making sure "it meant something" but sometimes you might find something that you like and maybe it doesnt mean anything personally to you, but in a way it does, because you like it and thats enough right there! :) Just make sure that you like it and your getting one for yourself not because anyone else wants you too, because your the one thats going to wear it everyday :) Some good tattoo links for some tattoo designs that I looked at for some ideas are:

http://www.tattoojohnny.com/

http://www.tattoofinder.com/

http://www.bullseyetattoos.com/

Those are a few of the sites I looked at just for some ideas on designs!

Good Luck Tattoo Hunting!

Thoughts into Actions

I have been wanting to start a youtube/blog for about for about four years now. Every time I came close to creating an account I would always hold myself back and make excuses of how I was not ready...well I have finally came to the conclusion that if I wait until everything is "perfect" in my life then I will NEVER start a youtube channel. My OCD holds me back a lot because I think things have to be perfect or i'm scared of being misunderstood, but then I told myself the OCD can only hold me back...if I let it. I have realized that Im going to have to take it day by day and accept the anxiety feeling of not knowing exactly what I'm doing or how to upload, edit, etc. Its all a learning process and anyone who has ever created a channel or blog has been thru it.

The picture above is on my bed on July 14th, 2013 it's the day I finally took the leap and decided to create a youtube channel. It is also the same day Im starting this blog. I have started another blog before, but I got to intimidated and only wrote a few post...but not this time. I have decided that Im going to continue it because I want to stop talking and dreaming about the things I want to do and actually start dong them.

My Youtube channel/ Blog is going to be about all things girly, pink, sparkly, makeup, hair. DYI projects, How To's, and also get deep and personal and share my story with growing up with serve OCD and having Dermatillomania (compulsive skin picking). I have video clips and pictures of me in the past that I want to show and bring awareness to people that might be suffering from the same disease. Even tho it is something I still struggle with on a daily basics I feel as if Im finally in control of my Skin Picking and I hope to encourage others and help them feel not alone or crazy and give people hope that you can become in control of it and get your life back. 


I think one of the reason I have put off doing youtube and blogging is because I really wasn't ready. I wasn't emotionally strong enough to share my personal experiences and put myself out there when it still had so much control of my life. I feel like for the first time in my life Im in control of skin picking and even tho I know it is going to be something I will always have,,,that doesn't mean that it has to take over my life...If If I can help even one person with my story...then thats more then enough for me! :)

Link to my youtube channel:
My Youtube Channel: JulieBeautyOCD